OLD MAN AND THE
MARINE
One sunny day in 2008, an old man
approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been
sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside
here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.
The following day, the same man
approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The
Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White
House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet
with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at
this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is
the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've
told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and
doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you just fine. I
just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention,
saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
SIR."
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The official showed him a card with the letters:
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give
MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little
mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B
C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can
conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get
you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing
that will put you over the top.
Only In America
I really do love this country, but...
1. Only in America... can a pizza
get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are
there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in
America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do
we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines
to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do
we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ... I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER ..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Rich
Guy
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood . They we're celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"
The blonde gal was really, really angry with her doctor because he told her, she didn't have to study for her pregnancy test.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to
the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know
something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6'
tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and
he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a
wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna
tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
Jesus and Moses were on the golf course where Arnold Palmer had made a great shot across a large water hazzard. Jesus wanting to make the same shot, swung and watched as the ball fell short into the water, Moses being a faithful servant and seeing no one else around parted the waters and retrieved the ball, after several repeats of this Moses told Jesus, "Look, Lord, your not Arny Palmer, and I'm not going after that ball any more." Were upon Jesus said, "no one told you to." And proceeded to smack the ball again only to have it splash into the water again, Jesus calmly walked out on the water to get the ball when some golfers saw Jesus on the water, they approached Moses asking " who does he think he is Jesus Christ?" Moses replied, "Oh, He is Jesus Christ, he thinks he's Arny Palmer!!"
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
A man walks into a drug store
with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy
asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied
the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at
school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and
asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are
for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for
Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the
dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March,.,.,.,...."
An old man and his wife have
gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and
says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the
world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart
football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go
and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts
again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another
one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets
out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
One night last week I was going to bed when my wife pointed out that I'd stupidly left the light on in the garden shed. As I looked out of the window I noticed that there were several people in the shed, stealing our belongings. I immediately phoned the Police who told me that there was nobody in that vicinity and that they'd send somebody over as soon as they were available.
I said Fine then hung up. A minute later I rang back and said "Hi, I just called a minute ago regarding a burglary taking place in my shed. Well, I thought I'd let you know that there is no need to worry because I've just shot them all."
Three minutes later a dozen police vehicles and armed response personell were on my premises and naturally they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said - "Hey, I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
I responded - "I thought you said nobody was available!"
The differences of men and women
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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